While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
