hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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