Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
