i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
