his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
