Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
