You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My ass is underappreciated
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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