i may or may not be watching the land before time
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
