I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
