My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
