By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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