I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
