I don't usually arrange sex via text message
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
