why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
