Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
