Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
