he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
