I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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