i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
