Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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