Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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