the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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