Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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