I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
