Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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