Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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