I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
