I smell stomach acid.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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