on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
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He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize