we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
