his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
