I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
