i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
