He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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