Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
