If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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