I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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