foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think I just sharted jello shots
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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