Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't deserve a penis
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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