I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
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This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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