How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
