Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
