I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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