Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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