my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
