Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
