I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize