Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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