I want to walk on stilts...naked
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
