He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
