Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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