Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
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This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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