I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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