my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
