Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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