Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
