It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
